Adam And Eve Quickie

Scene: A presenter sitting in a chair, standard backdrop or perhaps photographs from history. The presenter can be male or female.

Presenter: (to camera) GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO ----- THE PROGRAMME WHERE WE LOOK BACK AT SIGNIFICANT MOMENTS IN HISTORY AND ASK WHAT WOULD THE WORLD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF THE THING THAT DID HAPPEN HADNíT AND IF SOMETHING ELSE HAD HAPPENED INSTEAD, WHAT FOR INSTANCE WOULD THE WORLD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF HITLER HAD WON THE WAR? WOULD I BE SPEAKING TO YOU IN GERMAN NOW? OR EVEN JAPANESE? OR IF WELLINGTON AND NOT NAPOLEON HAD MET HIS WATERLOO, WOULD BRITAIN PERHAPS HAVE BECOME A COLONY OF FRANCE? LETíS CLIMB ABOARD OUR TARDIS AND TRAVEL BACK IN TIME, NOT TO THE SECOND WORLD WAR, NOT TO THE ERA OF NAPOLEON, BUT FURTHER BACK THAN THAT...

(At this point the presenter can be faded out and the Garden of Eden, or any other suitable scene can be faded in).

Scene: The Garden Of Eden. Daylight. Adam is sitting on an upturned tree trunk reading a newspaper intently. Eve is standing back against a tree; she is yawning and stretching out her arm. Both are wearing only fig leaves, but Eve has long hair which is draped forward over her breasts. It is bright and sunny; a solitary bird is singing sweetly.

Eve: (Yawning): íTIS A TRULY BEAUTIFUL MORNING, ADAM.

Adam: UUUH? (Grunts).

Eve: I SAID, OH NEVER MIND. (Yawns again). I DONíT SEE HOW YOU CAN SIT AND READ THAT ALL DAY. (Looking around). THEREíS SO MUCH TO DO.

(A rumbling sound is heard, and Adam pats his stomach).

Adam: íSCUSE ME.

Eve: ART THOU HUNGRY, MY HUSBAND?

Adam: (Not looking up from his newspaper): YEAH, HOW ABOUT FIXINí US SOME BREAKFAST, HONEY?

Eve: OF COURSE, MY LOVE.

(Eve walks over to a bush and begins picking some berries off it).

Voice: (From nowhere) PSSST!

Eve: (Looking round startled) UUUH!

Voice: PSSST! HEY, EVE.

(Eve looks up into the branches of the tree she is standing next to, and sees a long and very thick snake. It has wavy black stripes, a big mouth and evil looking fangs. The snake can be a man in a costume or preferably a puppet).

Eve: UUUH! A SERPENT!

Snake: (With a hip, jive talking type voice) HEY, COOL IT, I AINíT GONNA HURT YA.

Eve: (Shivering) W-WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Snake: HEY, DONíT BE AFRAID. OKAY, SO IíM NOT GOOD LOOKINí LIKE ADAM, AND I AINíT NO SONGBIRD EITHER, BUT YOU DONíT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER, DO YA?

Eve: (Shuddering slightly) NO, I SUPPOSE NOT.

Snake: WHAT YOU PICKINí BERRIES OFF THAT BUSH FOR?

Eve: TO MAKE OUR BREAKFAST.

Snake: SHUCKS, I BEEN WATCHINí YOU FOR THE PAST SIX MONTHS, AND ALL YOU EVER EAT IS BERRIES: BREAKFAST, DINNER, TEA AND SUPPER: BERRIES. DONíT YOU EVER GET BORED AND WANNA TRY SOMETHINí ELSE?

Eve: NO.

Snake: NEVER?

Eve: (Hesitating) WELL, SOMETIMES I GUESS.

Snake: HOW DíYOU LIKE TO TRY SOMETHINí DIFFERENT, SOMETHINí A BIT SPECIAL?

Eve: (Suspiciously): WELL, I DONíT KNOW.

Snake: (Pointing) COME OVER HERE; IíLL SHOW YA SOMETHINí REALLY TASTY.

(Eve follows the snake cautiously as it slithers along the branch).

Snake: HERE. (Pointing).

Eve: WHAT IS IT?

(The camera focuses on a big, juicy green appeal lodged in the fork of a tree).

Snake: THIS IS A GOLDEN DELICIOUS. WANNA TRY IT?

Eve: (Still hesitating and not trusting the snake). WELL, I DONíT KNOW; GOD SAID WE WERE NEVER TO EAT STRANGE FRUIT.

Snake: GOD, HUH, WHAT DOES HE KNOW? HE NEVER GETS HUNGRY. GO ON, TAKE IT, ITíS YOURS.

Eve: (Picking up the apple in both hands) THANKS. (She opens her mouth to take a big bite out of it but changes her mind at the last moment).

Eve: (Laughing): I DONíT KNOW AS I SHOULD; WHAT DOES IT TASTE LIKE?

Snake: LIKE NOTHING ELSE IN THE GARDEN.

Eve: (Laughing again and offering it back to the snake). NO, I COULDNíT, HONESTLY.

Snake: WHY DONíT YOU GIVE IT TO ADAM, THEN?

Eve: WOULD HE LIKE IT?

Snake: LIKE IT? YOU KNOW WHAT THISíLL DO TO HIM?

Eve: NO.

Snake: COME HERE AND IíLL TELL YA.

(Eve looks at him suspiciously).

Snake: COME ON, I AINíT GONNA BITE YER.

(Eve walks up to the snake, and it whispers into her ear. Her eyes light up).

Eve: (Turning to the snake) IT WOULDNíT?

Snake: YOU BET.

Eve: OKAY, IíLL GIVE IT TO ADAM.

(She runs off quickly; the snake chortles wickedly. The scene switches back to Adam who is still sitting on a tree trunk reading his newspaper).

Eve: (Hurries up to him) ADAM.

Adam: UUUH. (Grunting).

Eve: GUESS WHAT IíVE BROUGHT YOU FOR YOUR BREAKFAST.

Adam: (Still not looking up) STRAWBERRIES.

Eve: NO.

Adam: RASPBERRIES?

Eve: NO.

Adam: (Looking up and smiling) A BANANA?

Eve: UH UH. (She holds out the apple to him).

Adam: (Turning up his nose). WHATíS THAT?

Eve: ITíS A NEW FRUIT.

Adam: I CAN SEE THAT, BUT WHAT IS IT?

Eve: ITíS A A A (she sneezes) ATCHOO!

Adam: AN APPLE? HEY, DONíT SPREAD YOUR GERMS ALL OVER IT.

Eve: SORRY DARLING. (She wipes her nose with her hair, and Adam looks away in disgust). I WISH YOUíD HURRY UP AND INVENT HANDKERCHIEVES.

Adam: WHATíS IT TASTE LIKE?

Eve: LIKE NOTHING ELSE IN THE GARDEN.

Adam: YEAH, BUT LIKE WHAT?

Eve: (Bewildered) I DUNNO.

Adam: WHAT, HAVENíT YOU TASTED IT YOURSELF?

Eve: NOT YET, I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU.

Adam: YOUíD SURPRISE ME ALL RIGHT; ITíS PROBABLY POISONOUS. GO AND FETCH ME A BANANA.

Eve: YES, ADAM. (She leaves).

Adam: (Contemptuously). SILLY COW, WHAT WILL SHE THINK OF NEXT? (He throws the apple away very hard).

(The scene switches to the snake which is sitting on the branch of a nearby tree watching and gloating. The apple hits it square on the head, its eyes roll - sound effect loud BONK - the snake falls to the ground dead).

Back To Comedy Sketches Index