Bank Robbery Quickie

Scene: A bank. A female teller is sitting behind the screen. A short, unshaven, shifty looking man wearing a dirty raincoat walks up to the window.

Teller: CAN I HELP YOU?

Man: (Thrusting his hand into his raincoat pocket) YEAH, GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY; IíVE GOT A GUN IN MY POCKET.

Teller: (Pursing her lips and looking at him with a bored, suspicious look). REALLY? I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME. (She picks up a bundle of notes and starts counting them out rapidly to herself).

Man: I íAVE.

Teller: YES, OF COURSE YOU HAVE; YOUíRE THE THIRD ONE TODAY. (She turns and looks up at the wall. The camera switches to the calendar beneth the bank clock. It reads APRIL 1st).

Man: THIS ISNíT A JOKE.

Teller: NO, OF COURSE NOT. ANYTHING ELSE?

Man: (He looks around, nervous and embarrassed). I íAVE. I íAVE GOT A GUN. íERE, IíLL SHOW YOU. (He tries to pull his hand out of his raincoat pocket). íERE, ITíS STUCK.

(The teller is still counting out notes with a bored look on her face).

Man: ITíS BLOODY WELL STUCK!

Teller: (Finishes counting, puts her hand to her mouth and yawns into her open palm) DO YOU MIND? YOUíRE HOLDING UP THE QUEUE.

Man: IíM HOLDING UP THE BANK AS WELL. (Still struggling with the gun). IíLL íAVE IT OUT IN ONE MINUTE.

(The camera moves back to show a second man behind the first. He is wearing a trilby hat and a double-breasted pin stripe suit. He taps the first man on the shoulder).

1st Man: (Turning) YEAH?

2nd Man: EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

1st MAN: OH YEAH, SURE. (Turning to the teller) IíLL BE BACK IN A MINUTE (Embarrassingly).

Teller: (To 2nd Man) CAN I HELP YOU?

2nd Man: YEAH. (He pulls a revolver out of his jacket pocket and points it at the teller) GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY.

Teller: (Throws up her hands and in a loud but not shouted voice exclaims) EEEEK!

2nd Man: COME ON, MOVE IT.

1st Man: (Still struggling with his coat pocket) HEY (He taps the 2nd Man on his shoulder).

2nd Man: (Turning his head and snapping) BEAT IT, BUSTER.

1st Man: HEY, YOU CANíT ROB THIS BANK; I WAS HERE FIRST.

2nd Man: I SAID BEAT IT.

(The teller is now rapidly pushing money under the screen).

2nd Man: COME ON, DOLL, HURRY IT UP.

1st Man: HEY! (Tapping the 2nd man on the shoulder again) I WAS...

2nd Man: (Interrupting) BEAT IT, UNLESS YOU WANT A PUNCH UP THE BRACKET.

(The 1st Man looks around exasperated, then runs out of the bank. The 2nd Man takes a carrier bag out of his trouser pocket and begins filling it full of money. The teller is still pushing money towards him. Then the 1st Man returns with a police constable).

1st Man: (Pointing) THATíS HIM! ARREST HIM, OFFICER.

Policeman: HEY YOU. (He moves towards the 2nd Man. The man turns and levels the gun at him, but the officer grabs his arm, twists it behind the manís back, and forces him up against the counter).

2nd Man: AAAARGH! ALL RIGHT, GUV, ITíS A FAIR COP, IíLL COME QUIETLY.

Policeman: (Handcuffing the man) RIGHT, ITíS OFF TO THE NICK WITH YOU, AL CAPONE.

(The officer leads the man away; the money and bag remain on the counter. The 1st Man Walks up to the counter).

Teller: YES, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU NOW? (Totally unconcerned at what has just happened).

1nd Man: (Taking the gun out of his raincoat pocket) YOU CAN STICK íEM UP!

Teller: EEEEK! (She pushes the rest of the money towards him. He fills up the carrier bag, then turns and walks out of the bank).

1st Man (To camera) BLOODY QUEUE JUMPERS.

(Fade).
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