Gags, Jokes, Etc By Alexander Baron

To Heckler Stoppers


(1) My husband is at the bar.
The Temple?
No, the White Hart.

(2) My husband got the sack for striking.
Mine got the sack for not striking.
How come?
He’s a footballer.

(3) I can do bird impressions.
Good, do one of a mute swan and shut up.

Alternatively:
Good, do one of a September swallow and emigrate.

(4) We’ve just bought a house in -----. It’s very conveniently situated for all communications. ----- Airport is less than a mile away; the planes go over the top every ten minutes. The main line to ----- passes right by, down the bottom of the garden. The ----- motorway is just across the road, and the ----- River is near too. At high tide it comes right up to the front door.

(5) My girlfriend had me in stitches last night; she punched me in the mouth.

(6) Under Glasnost I see ITV have started sending programmes to Russia. So it’s psychological warfare now.

(7) Mike Tyson issued a winner take all challenge to the best fighter in Britain. Vinny Jones has accepted.

(8) Hasn’t the price of meat shot up? Last week I paid three pounds for a small leg of lamb, eight pounds for a piece of rump steak, and thirty quid for a piece of ass.

(9) ----- is not here at the moment; he’s gone for a short holiday across the water.
Oh, a week in France?
No, six months on the Isle of Wight. (Parkhurst)

(10) ----- has had a bit of a comedown. Before ----- went bust he was directing the company; last week I saw him in the high street directing the traffic.

(11) ----- likes a bit of crumpet.
I thought he was queer.
He is, but that doesn’t put him off; he likes French bread too.

(12) I’ve just escaped a life sentence.
Did you get a reprieve?
No, a divorce.

(13) I stroked a pussy, and my hand came out in a rash.
Allergy to fur?
No. Thrush.

(14) I once met a woman baker who worked part time as a prostitute. She sold the most expensive rolls in town.

(15) My wife entered a beauty contest and came first; she was the only entrant in her section: superheavyweight.

(16) I bought a packet of condoms, brand -----. They’re made of double thick rubber to erase all feeling.

(17) My next door neighbour’s wife is an economist. She says her job is like making love with her husband: groping in the dark and never finding satisfaction.

(18) -----’s new girlfriend reminds me of an exotic flower: a cactus.

(19) I read a gay fairy story in which the handsome prince kissed a frog, and it turned back into a queen.

(20) I saw an ad in my local newsagent’s window which said: Young lady offers riding lessons in basement flat. I’ve a good mind to report her to the RSPCA.

(21) I saw an ad in my local newsagent’s window which said: Young lady has large chest for sale. That’s no good to me; I need a trunk.

(22) I hate being a whipping boy. But the money’s good.

(23) ----- said he’s got a job as a rent boy. If he sticks at it he’ll be a bailiff before he’s thirty.

(24) Woman: My husband is like Father Christmas - he only comes once a year.

(25) My wife asked me if I’d like to do it dog fashion. When I said yes, she made me sleep in the kennel.

(26) My next door neighbour’s wife sued for divorce because he wanted her to do it dog fashion. The family Alsatian was called as chief witness.

(27) A bloke down my road was taken to court for fucking his bird in public. He got six months, and the parrot was taken into care by the RSPCA.

(28) When I suggested to my wife that we do it dog fashion, she went out and bought our poodle an embroidered coat.

(29) My widowed mother said she’d like a toy boy for her birthday. So I bought her an Action Man.

(30) ----- is one hell of a stud. He can spend more hours on the job than a junior doctor.

(31) What happened to the bloke who came too late?
He missed the meeting.

(32) What happened to the bloke who came too early?
He had to wait outside for the caretaker.

(33) My son’s started taking an interest in horticulture. He’s just got a book out of the library called The Perfumed Garden.

(34) Englishman: I gave up fags because of the risk of cancer.
American: I gave up fags because of the risk of AIDS.

(35) I went out with a Miss Patridge last night. What a goer; I’ve never met such a game bird.

(36) Slogan of the Paedophile Information Exchange: Waif sex is Safe sex!

(37) We’ve got a problem with the population explosion in -----. The police have just discovered an IRA bomb factory.

(38) I’ve just got a new dishwasher, a washing machine and an iron.
How much did they cost?
Darling, how much was your engagement ring?

[I can’t for the life of me think what is meant to be funny about that].

(39) My boyfriend is in the flying squad.
Is he a detective?
No, a pilot.

(40) My wife asked me to buy a bracelet for her birthday, so I bought her a set of handcuffs.

(41) My pet octopus had eight pints of Guinness, and got legless.

(42) Computer crime is on the increase in my area; I got mugged by an Amstrad last week.

(43) I sell antiques. I always have lots of customers because I get so much free advertising. Mostly on Police Five.

(44) Soul music I don’t like, but heavy metal can be positively harmful. Yesterday for example I dropped an iron ingot on my foot.

(45) I hate smoking so much that if I had a time machine I’d go back in history and assassinate Sir Walter Raleigh. I suppose I’d have to give up eating chips as well, but it would be worth it.

(46) I had a brainwave yesterday.
A brain ripple in your case.

(47) My two sons are chalk and cheese; George works for a firm which has branches in London, New York and Paris; Maurice works for a firm which has branches in Wormwood Scrubs, Parkhurst and Strangeways.

(48) I hate Jehovah’s Witnesses so much that I wouldn’t give one a blood transfusion.

(49) These are trying times: Monday, my mother’s up on a shoplifting charge; Tuesday, I’m up for drink driving; and next Friday my brother’s getting weighed off for GBH.

(50) My sister is a right little raver and doesn’t she know it? She’s had so many blokes that we call her GBC: Grievous Bodily Charm.

(51) My husband works for the CIA.
Oh, in counter intelligence?
No, on the menswear counter. [Ie C&A]

(52) I met my wife at a jumble sale; she was on the white elephant stall.

(53) My son said he was going to a jumble sale last Saturday; I told him we haven’t got room for a dog here, much less an elephant.

(54) my ----- made his usual contribution to Red Nos Day; he got stoned the night before, and woke up with one.

(55) I was stopped by a woman in the street who asked me if I’d like to make a contribution to Red Nose Day. So I punched her on the hooter.

(56) I lost a lot of mone by listening to a guy who was talking absolute bull.
How?
We were in a bull market. [Or perhaps that should be a bear market?]

(57) I was abused by a larger lout last night.
You mean a lager lout.
You should have seen the size of him.

(58) I witnessed a shocking example of child abuse last night. This schoolkid was smoking in the back of the bus, and when an old lady asked him to put his fag out, he said: ---- off, you silly old ----.

(59) I met my wife at a bus stop.
Really, on your way home from work?
No, at work; I operated on her bust.

(60) I had a penguin once.
Where did you buy it, the local pet shop?
No, I borrowed it from the local library.

(61) Before you start a chain letter, remember a chain with one missing link is no chain at all.

(62) Chain letters are so called because anyone with a grain of common sense pulls the chain on it as soon as he gets one.

(63) The Transport Secretary has thought of a way to reduce both the frequency and fatality of train crashes: he’s going to slash services by a third and raise fares by 80%.

(64) There was this City of London policeman who was sacked for making an arrest. He was on night duty and took a rest at ----- massage parlour.

(65) Then there was this Arab from Holland: Sheikh Hans.

(66) Then there was the youth who went joy riding and ended up in a near fatal road crash. Joy’s husband caught them in the act, and threw him off a bridge.

(67) He was as sober as a judge; trouble was the judge he was as sober as was as drunk as a lord.

(68) My next door neighbour went skiing in Switzerland and came home with some terrible holiday snaps: a broken collar bone and a compound fracture of the left leg.

(69) The thing I don’t like about dining at this establishment is the free non-optional extras: botulism, cold coffee and rude waiters.

(70) My Israeli penfriend is so horrified about violations of human rights in his country that he’s emigrating. To South Africa.

(71) My South African friend is so appalled at his country’s treatment of non-whites that he’s emigrating. To the West Bank.

(72) My brother is in a high risk group: he’s a 737 pilot.

(73) What they say and what they really mean:

I’m very sorry, My Lord.
I wish I hadn’t been caught.

You haven’t been drinking, have you, sir?
Got you, you bastard; now breathe into this bag.

I had to tak an hor off work this afternoon to donate blood.
I haven’t got AIDS and/or Can I stop for breakfast.

(74) She’s a nice girl; where did you meet her, the VD clinic?

alternatively

She’s a nice girl; where did you meet her?
The VD clinic.

(75) My wife is a very single minded person; she’s just filed for divorce.

(76) My wife has a new hobby: fencing. Last week she fenced a TV set, a hi fi and three videos.

(77) I was on the TV last night; my wife was underneath it. Next week we’re doing it standing up in a hammock.

(78) I saw your Dad on TV last night: Police Five. [Talk about dated: alternatively Crimewatch or America’s Most Wanted].

(79) Live dangerously: eat a raw egg. [This must have been written December 1988 onwards in the wake of the (Eg)wina Currie affair].

(80) I was in a very dangerous high risk group last week. I took a train to the airport, flew to Frankfurt and ate a cheese flan in flight.

(81) -----’s new girlfriend has got plenty of common sense. Trouble is her scents aren’t just common, they’re cheap.

(82) My brother’s power mad: he’s just got his electricity bill - for three hundred quid.

(83) My ----- is like the budget: unbalanced, unwanted and a taxing experience.

(84) Some people will do anything for gold. Ben Johnson, for instance.

(85) What’s the favourite drink of Liverpool football fans?
Crush.

(86) My son is a detective.
You’re lucky; mine’s a defective.

(87) What do condoms and the police have in common?
Pricks find their way into both.

(88) My sister had a handsome male escort yesterday; the policeman she was handcuffed to on her way to court.

(89) All right PC Blakelock, don’t lose your head.

(90) When we went to Spain my wife had her arse pinched.
Did she get it back?

(91) What’s in it for me?

The satisfaction of knowing you’ve helped, etc.

Only two things give me satisfaction Mr -----: slender women and fat money. And since you’re obviously not running a brothel I guess it all comes down to how much you can put on the table. [Can be expanded, altered, etc].

(92) Reverend Shaw married me and my wife.
What is he, a bi-sexual bigamist.

(93) Poetic justice:

A bloke raped a bird and caught AIDS.
A shoplifter stole a carton of eggs and went down with salmonella.
A bloke joined the Anti-Apartheid Movement and got mugged in Brixton.

(94) Paedophile Information Exchange slogan: Waif sex is safe sex.

(95) Whore: Hi handsome. Buy me a drink?
Man at bar: What’s a girl like you doing in a nice place like this? [I actually used this in a different setting].

(96) I was so disgusted with that film on homosexuality shown on the BBC last night that I wrote to my MP. He wrote back saying he agreed with me one hundred percent. And so did his husband.

(97) I visited the States last year, and the contrast between New Jersey and New York is amazing. In New York the people are so rude, while in New Jersey they’re exactly the opposite. When the police raid your apartment in New York one of them shouts: “Freeze motherfucker!”
In New Jersey, a cop will say “Stand where you are, Oedipus.”

(98) In New York, if you give a woman the once over and she objects, she’ll say: “Who are you staring at, asshole?”
A New Jersey woman will say “Excuse me, but is that your head or your anus?”

(99) First choirboy: Our vicar’s a splendid chap; he loves his enemies.
Second choirboy: Ours is a pervert; he loves his enemas.

(100) This whore picked up a punter in a Portsmouth bar, and gave her a fucking like she’d never experienced. “Christ”, she said afterwards, “where did you learn to screw like that?”
“In the navy,” he replied.
“Are you a sailor?" she asked.
“Used to be,” he replied, “but I’m in the Customs & Excise now.”
So she charged him fifty quid plus VAT.

(101) ANTI-APARTHEID MOVEMENT OFFICIAL APPEAL FOR THE PROMOTION OF RACIAL HARMONY AND PEACE IN SOUTHERN AFRICA

20p buys a copy of Socialist Worker to educate the oppressed workers of the townships.

50p buys a Molotov cocktail to throw at the racist, fascist South African security forces.

£1 buys a tin of weed killer to make a small bomb.

£3 buys a used tyre.

£20 buy a second hand shotgun to butcher a pig.

£100 buys a new kit for the Mandela United football team (knuckle dusters and bjamboks excluded).

£500 buys an Armalite rifle.

£10,000 equips an ANC death squad for a month to kill Afrikaner trash and further the cause of Black Power in Southern Africa.

Send your donation to Archbishop Trevor Huddleston c/o Winnie Mandela House, Winston Silcott Buildings, Uhuru Plaza, Brixton.

(102) My sister told me her new boyfriend is pussy-mad. So I bought him a cat.

(103) I hear a journalist is to be hanged in Iraq for spying.
They should make likbel capital and hang the lot of them.

(104) The price of coffee has gone up so much that instead of buying it by the pound we’ll soon have to buy it by the granule.

(105) In America, the price of a gallon of petrol is less than the price of a pint of beer, not only that, it tastes better too.

(106) My wife’s got such a fat arse I use her to park my motorbike.

(107) My next-door neighbour’s so thick he thought erection cream was a moisturiser for bricklayers.

(108) Then there was the ex-prostitute who got a job on a building site as a pricklayer.

(109) Circumcision is a practice that has no drawbacks at all.

(110) My wife treats me like a rabbit.
You’re a lucky man.
Lucky? I can’t stand salad.


Heckler Stoppers

(1) Didn’t you heckle me last month? You got parole after all then.

(2) That’s a witty gag, sir, but try not to gag all over the lady/gentleman sitting next to you.

(3) Give the monkey a banana.

(4) Are you stoned, sir? I wish you were: Biblical/Saudi fashion.

(5) I’ve only got two words for you: the second one is off.

(6) You can laugh/shout all you like, but they’re not going to pay you either.

(7) If brains were poker hands, you’d have jack high.

(8) Tony Bennett left his heart in San Francisco, but where did you leave your brain?

(9) Take a powder, kid. Preferably warfarin.

(10) Of course you’ve heard that one, sir. Your father told me that before he married your mother. Yesterday.

(11) You remind me of a handkerchief sir; you get right up my nose.

(12) That’s a good impression of a horse, sir, but can you do one of a frog instead, and croak?


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