Boy (Len Belmont, Ventriloquist) Sketch


Ventriloquist: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WELCOME TO THE LEN BELMONT SPOT. THIS IS CEDRIC, MY CAPABLE ASSISTANT.

Boy: OY, OY, NOT SO FAST. IíM THE STAR OF THIS SHOW. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO CEDRICíS FUN HOUR...

Ventriloquist: (Interrupting) OY, OY, NOW YOU HOLD ON. A) THIS IS THE LEN BELMONT SPOT, AND B) WEíVE ONLY GOT THREE MINUTES.

Boy: (Rolling his eyes) THREE MINUTES?

Ventriloquist: YES.

Boy: THREE POXY MINUTES! ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SECONDS?

Ventriloquist: THATíS RIGHT.

Boy: THATíS NO WAY TO TREAT A SUPERSTAR.

Ventriloquist: I KNOW, BUT IíM NOT THE SORT TO COMPLAIN.

Boy: NOT YOU, BALDY, ME.

Ventriloquist: WHO ARE YOU CALLING BALDY? IíM NOT BALD.

Boy: YOU ARE UNDERNEATH THAT TOUPEÉ.

Ventriloquist: (Laughing) TOUPEÉ, WHAT TOUPEÉ?

Boy: THAT TOUPEÉ ON YOUR HEAD (tries to reach up).

Ventriloquist: (Retreating) HEY, DO YOU MIND? THATíS A TWENTY-FIVE POUND HAIR-DO.

Boy: YES, BUT YOU GOT IT FOR NINE NINETY-NINE IN DEBENHAMS MID-SEASON SALE.

Ventriloquist: I DID NOT!

Boy: YES YOU DID.

Ventriloquist: NO I DID NOT. IT WAS THE HARRODS SALE, IF YOU MUST KNOW.

Boy: (Sarcastic upper class accent) OH, IT WAS HAWWODS, WAS IT?

Ventriloquist: YES. (Hurt). IT WAS, AND ANYWAY, I DONíT CARE IF IíM BALD. BALD MEN ARE SEXIER.

Boy: UNTIL THEY GET TO YOUR AGE.

Ventriloquist: MY AGE? IíLL HAVE YOU KNOW IíM ONLY THIRTY-FIVE.

Boy: THIRTY-FIVE? (Incredulously) YOUíRE OLDER THAN GARY GLITTER.

Ventriloquist: I AM NOT! IíM THIRTY-FIVE.

Boy: HOW OLD? (Suspiciously).

Ventriloquist: THIRTY-FIVE. WELL, NEAR ENOUGH.

Boy: LISTEN, LAST TIME YOU GOT TOGETHER WITH ONE OF YOUR OLD CRONIES, YOU WERE ARGUING ABOUT THE WAR.

Ventriloquist: WELL, WE WERE BOTH SMALL KIDS THEN.

Boy: YES, BUT WHY WERE YOU ARGUING?

Ventriloquist: WELL...(Trying to thing of something).

Boy: I HEARD HIM SAY IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS A ROUNDHEAD WHILE YOU WERE A CAVALIER.

Ventriloquist: (Laughing) DONíT BE ABSURD.

Boy: AND YOU USED TO WEAR A TOUPEÉ THEN AS WELL.

Ventriloquist: (Angrily) LISTEN, IíVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR NONSENSE. YOUíRE AS BAD AS THAT DOG OF MINE. WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO BESIDES INSULT ME?

Boy: I CAN SING.

Ventriloquist: AND BESIDES INSULT THE AUDIENCE?

Boy: (Loud) I SING LIKE A LARK.

Ventriloquist: YES, A PIL-LARK.

Boy: IíLL PROVE IT. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SING?

Ventriloquist: I KNOW, LETíS DO A DUET. HOW ABOUT...

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