Bus Stop Quickie

Scene: A bus stop. A shifty looking man of about fifty is waiting for a bus. He is unshaven and clearly disreputable. A police constable walks up to him.

PC: EXCUSE ME SIR, BUT DONíT I RECOGNISE YOU FROM SOMEWHERE?

Man: (Turning) YEAH, PROBABLY FROM A WANTED POSTER, OFFICER.

PC: (Interested) REALLY SIR?

Man: YEAH, FINGERS MALONE, THE WORLDíS GREATEST PICKPOCKET, THATíS ME, BUT IíM GOING STRAIGHT NOW, IíVE GOT A JOB AND EVERYTHING.

PC: OH YES, I REMEMBER READING SOMETHING IN THE POLICE GAZETTE LAST MONTH ABOUT YOU GETTING OUT. WERE YOU REALLY AS GOOD AS THEY SAY?

Man: THE BEST, GUV, THE BEST, THERE WASNíT A COPPER IN THE COUNTRY COULD TOUCH ME.

PC: THATíS WHY YOU GOT CAUGHT WAS IT? (Smiling).

Man: NA GUV, I GOT GRASSED UP, DIDNíT I? THEYíD NEVER HAVE CAUGHT ME OTHERWISE, NEVER. ITíS A MUGíS GAME THOUGH, CRIME; YOUíRE BETTER OFF WORKING FOR A LIVING.

PC: YOU ARE TODAY. (Smugly) YOU SEE, THEREíS A NEW BREED OF POLICEMAN AROUND TODAY. A LOT OF US HAVE BEEN TO UNIVERSITY, AND WEíRE MUCH BETTER TRAINED TO CATCH CRIMINALS IN THE ACT. YOU HAVENíT GOT MUCH OF A CHANCE PICKING POCKETS NOWADAYS. ITíS A GOOD THING YOU HAVE RETIRED, OR IíD HAVE HAD YOU IN A SECOND. IíVE BEEN ON A SPECIAL COURSE AT HENDON.

Man: I KNOW, GUV, I CAN TELL JUST LOOKINí AT YER. (A bus pulls up). WELL, SEE YER, GUV.

PC: GOOD LUCK, KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN, BUT IF YOU DO DECIDE TO GO BACK TO CRIME, STAY OFF MY PATCH. IíVE GOT YOUR CARD MARKED. (He taps his nose warningly).

Man: I WILL GUV. TA, TA. (He climbs aboard the bus, the bell rings, and it drives off).

PC: (To himself very smugly). YES, DONíT COME BACK TO MY PATCH, MR MALONE, BECAUSE IíM A MITE TOO SHARP FOR YOU.

(The camera draws back, and the policeman walks off minus his trousers).

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