LIMERICKS
BY ALEXANDER BARON
(The Leigh Goessl Page)

It all started when fellow Digital Journal contributor Leigh Goessl published an article about a giant crab. This inspired my first limerick. Eventually, on July 11, 2012, I resolved to write (at least) one limerick for every article she had published on the site to date. It remains to be seen if I will live long enough, but my efforts are published here in more or less chronological order. Two more can be found on the main Limerick Page: Ravioli Spider and Squirrel Pie].

Leigh Goessl (2)

There was a young lady named Leigh, who said: “Hey,
The storms in Virginia are blowing away
Half my neighbourhood,
It’s just my good -
Fortune - that I have my camera to make this thing pay.”

Leigh Goessl (3)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Who had a mishap on the tee
When the lightning bolt struck,
And she cursed her damned luck
It had ruined her precious par 3.

Leigh Goessl (4)

There was a young lady named Leigh who said: “Get
A cellphone so you can surf the Internet”.
I beg to agree -
Not - with you fair Leigh,
In fact, I’d say Aaron Smith is talking wet.

Leigh Goessl (5)

There was a young lady named Leigh
Who mourned for a dead walla-by,
Many folk will do this,
Then go home and in bliss
Will tuck into a steak for their tea.

Leigh Goessl (6)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Who said: “I’m afraid I can’t see
Why this bill for your water
Is so huge, it oughta
Be smaller by magnitude 3.”

Leigh Goessl (7)

There was a young lady named Leigh, who said “Youda
Been chuffed to view this wreck they found off Bermuda,
Near four hundred years
In the deep, it appears
It’s been guarded by Claude Crab and a barracuda.”

Leigh Goessl (8)

There was a young lady named Leigh who said: “Meth
Is horrible stuff, and it stifles my breath;
When I bought this house
(Unawares) from a louse,
Its vapours near choked me to death.”

Leigh Goessl (9)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Who went for a swim in the sea,
And thought it a lark
Until she met the shark
That had just ate poor Penny Pal-frey.

Leigh Goessl (10)

There was a young lady named Leigh
Who said: “I’m sure you will agree
That it’s rather bizarre
To leave babes in a car,
When the weather’s so hot,
And I hope this darned TWOT
Will be given the death penal-ty.”

Leigh Goessl (11)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Who found a home in Tuscan-y,
For sale on e-bay,
But when she went to pay
She was faced with a three million fee.

Leigh Goessl (12)

There was a young lady named Leigh who once said:
“Be careful kids what you go wearing in bed,
Because it’s no joke -
If you go up in smoke
In your night dress, you may finish waking up dead.”

Leigh Goessl (13)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Who said: “In Depoe...I can’t see
Any fireworks, but hey,
There’s birds roost in this bay,
And they’re far more important to me.”

Leigh Goessl (14)

Said a lady named Leigh: Be aware
That e-mail from Steve Jobs is a snare,
If you click on a link
Then before you can blink
You’ll be up to your eyes in mal-ware.

Leigh Goessl (15)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Said: “A woman with ala-cri-ty,
Goes around suing stores,
To tumultu’us applause,
The last one in Pennsylva-ni”.

Leigh Goessl (16)

Said a lady named Leigh: “If you please,
I’m not choosy for breakfast or teas,
But when I’m eating brunch,
Or a pub ploughman’s lunch,
I don’t want bristled wire in my cheese!”

Leigh Goessl (17)

There was a young lady named Leigh
Who said of the $5 fee
Levied by a big bank
That it will spank
Their customers - “They must be laughing with glee”.
(The bank, not its customers!)

Leigh Goessl (18)

“A success story is Dia-Spora,
Many dot.com tales finish in horror,
They’ve raised 200 grand,
Twenty times what they planned;
They’ll be challenging Facebook tomorra!”
Said Leigh Goessl.

Leigh Goessl (19)

There was a young lady named Leigh who said that
“I’ve heard a strange story of a two-faced cat,
He has nine lives too,
(Now would I lie to you?)
The Guinness World Record book is where he’s at”.

Leigh Goessl (20)

There was a young lady named Leigh
Who went on a trip to Chanti’,
Taking her camera too
For D...Journal to view
And to snap World War II histo-ry.

Leigh Goessl (21)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Who said of a phone compan-y:
That if they should tell
Me to go to Hell,
I would instantly change ISP.

Leigh Goessl (22)

There was a young mother named Leigh,
Who heard that down Arizon-y,
A Mom gave some beer
To her young son - No fear!

She exclaimed, that sounds crazy to me.

Leigh Goessl (23)

There was a young lady named Leigh
who said of a youth lost at sea:
“It’s a shame they can’t save
From a watery grave
Young Tyler Madoff, RIP”.

Leigh Goessl (24)

Said a lady named Leigh: “Layaway
Is a lot less pop-ular today,
Although I’ve heard that Sears
Has had some real good years,
Even though most folk use cards to pay”.

Leigh Goessl (25)

There was a young lady named Leigh
Who said: “Al, I surely agree,
That this bloke is a nutter,
The slurs he doth utter
Against you, I’ve had thrown at me”.

Leigh Goessl (26)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Who went to Bear Mountain to see,
A park barbecue
And a cute bear or two,
And to practise her photog-raphy.

Leigh Goessl (27)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
who fancied a drop of whisk-ey,
Till she met Brian Fite,
And grimaced, polite-
Ly, before saying: “Think I’ll have tea.”

Leigh Goessl (28)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Who said: “Do I whisk or whisk-ee,
I have a great story
I’ve found in Missouri...
Then - at length - she added an E”.

Leigh Goessl (29)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Reported on Russian TV,
That a cameraman slipped,
Or more forcefully, tripped,
On the pitch for the whole world to see.

Leigh Goessl (30)

There was a young lady, Leigh, who
Took a trip to the Bear Mountain Zoo,
Where she snapped her a bear,
And a cute turtle pair,
And some geese, some ducks, and a swan too.

Leigh Goessl (31)

Said a lady named Leigh: “This report
Of a trademark infringement in sport,
Is a lot of hot air,
And I really despair
That it ever should end up in court”.

Leigh Goessl (32)

Said a lady named Leigh: “When you are
Going out for a drive in your car,
And taking your kids,
Careful with bends and skids,
And the booster seat, like Anne McCar[tt]”.

Leigh Goessl (33)

Said Leigh Goessl: “Things really look black
When you’re facing a cyber-attack,
So I was told by Sony,
Unless it’s all pony,
And there really isn’t a hack”.

Leigh Goessl (34)

Said Leigh of the latest sur-vey:
“I can’t quite believe what they say,
Or the story I’m reading,
Cellphones are outbreeding
Us? - I always thought they were gay”.

Leigh Goessl (35)

Leigh Goessl on MySpace reported,
The site’s recent buyers resorted
To face-lifting it,
But alas, it’s still rubbish,
And soon it may well be aborted.

Leigh Goessl (36)

Said a lady named Leigh: “Internet
Is the best place for job searches yet,
A study has shown
Using laptop or phone.”
(Or perhaps Peter Kuhn’s talking wet!)

Leigh Goessl (37)

There once was a lady named Leigh
Who said: “I hope the CDC
Is wrong, this report
Of the damaged by sport
To kids, sounds most disturbing to me”.

Leigh Goessl (38)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Who said: Facebook website is free,
But your info they get,
Something you might regret,
Though Mark Zuckerberg’s smiling with glee.

Leigh Goessl (39)

Said a lady named Leigh: “If you go
On a shoplifting trip, it’s poor show
When you get in a bind
To leave your kids behind,
As Kaufman and Grobmeier know”.

Leigh Goessl (40)

Said a lady named Leigh: “There’s a truck-
Driver sly, who has run out of luck,
When he tried to avoid
Paying tolls, they deployed
The cops to track him down. What a schmuck!”

Leigh Goessl (41)

Said a lady named Leigh to Tim S,
“That’s a very good write up, no less”,
But the fact that the Moon
Won’t be home to Man soon,
Leaves me in a state of deep distress.

Leigh Goessl (42)

Said a lady named Leigh: “In a school
Where a teacher was playing the fool
By mocking a kid,
He regrets what he did,
Cos the kid filmed him acting real cool”.

Leigh Goessl (43)

Said a lady named Leigh: “All the time
I report on deception and crime,
But stealing a lion -
Though dead - that’s a fly ’un,
Original, daft and sublime”.

Leigh Goessl (44)

A lady named Leigh said: “I’m keen
To report on this caveman cuisine,
Served up in Berlin,
It’ll help you stay thin,
As its meat is unprocessed and lean”.

Leigh Goessl (45)

There was a young lady named Leigh said: “I am
Advising you good folk of scam after scam;
There’s one is a grant
You can claim - but you can’t!”
Why thank you, that’s real public spirited, Ma’am.

Leigh Goessl (46)

There was a young lady named Leigh:
“Who said there are fish in the sea,
But the Summer heat here
Is killing them, dear!
So we’re having fish fingers for tea!”

Leigh Goessl (47)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Who did a big favour for me,
When she clicked on a link
That had caused me to think,
She resolved a great ano-maly.

Leigh Goessl (48)

According to Leigh: said Mur-doch,
MySpace turned out to be a bok,
It cost him some dough,
But Leveson, though,
Sure gave him one Hell of a shock!

Leigh Goessl (49)

Said Leigh Goessl: “300K
Harley-Davidsons have been today
Recalled, but I don’t
Ride a bike, so I won’t
Give a blind tinker’s cuss either way”.

Leigh Goessl (50)

Said Leigh: “I’ve just heard salmonella
Has been found in our eggs; that’s a hella
Problem for some,
But not for this Mum
And wife - not feeding them to my fella!”

Leigh Goessl (51)

There was a young lady named Leigh who said: "In a
Place down in the Sunshine State, doggie ate dinner,
A grand in hard cash -
Caused its owners to bash
It with vomit inducer until it was thinner.

Leigh Goessl (52)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Said: “It sounded real fishy to me
This baseball game tale,
(At least 9 on the scale),
But the video proves it to be”.

Leigh Goessl (53)

There was a young lady named Leigh
Who said: “Down in Argentin-ee
Is something fantastic,
A house made of plastic -
Clear bottles, but that’s not for me!”

Leigh Goessl (54)

There was a young lady named Leigh who said that
“I’ve heard a strange tale of a travelling cat:
A three month old kitten!
By hunger pangs bitten,
And travelling over the ocean at that”.

Leigh Goessl (55)

There was a young lady named Leigh
Who went to the Burke Nurse-ry,
And, taking her cam-
This DJ mad-am
Then posted some pictures for me.

Leigh Goessl (56)

There was a young lady named Leigh
Who went to the Hudson Val-ley,
And took some nice pix
That she posted for nix
Bar the tiniest D Journal fee.

Leigh Goessl (57)

Said Leigh: “There’s a scam on Face-book
That clearly is run by a crook,
He asked for a cheque,
I replied, what the heck
Do you think I am? Go sling your ’ook!”

Leigh Goessl (58)

Said a lady named Leigh: “If a pizza
Does more to endanger than please yer,
The government should
Ban the sale of, for good,
It’s common sense, isn’t it, geezer?”

Leigh Goessl (59)

Said a lady named Leigh: “It’s a swizz
That stamp prices are rising, but biz
Like that is due to fail,
Thanks to cheaper e-mail.”
She was right too, the clever young Ms!

Leigh Goessl (60)

Said a lady named Leigh: “I like chicken,
But be careful out shopping when pickin’
A bird for your fella,
Because salmonella
Is not what I’d call finger lickin’”.

Leigh Goessl (61)

Said a lady named Leigh: “Down in Wales
Is one of those shaggy dog tales -
Where cows go to bed
Is the oldest, they said
Dwelling in all its mountains and vales”.

Leigh Goessl (62)

Quoth Leigh: “It is claimed that the Kraken
As Wyndham said, really did waken,
I’ve an open mind,
But don’t think me unkind
If I say Prof Mark Mac is mistaken”.

Leigh Goessl (63)

Said a lady named Leigh: “A report
Of a trial held at Bristol Crown Court
Saw a driver named Hill
Who had run down poor Phil
Sent to gaol - a crime purely for sport”.

Leigh Goessl (64)

A lady named Leigh said: “I know
I shouldn’t laugh, but, even so,
To be crushed to death by
A mound of beans, is my
Number one of all weird ways to go”.

Leigh Goessl (65)

Said Leigh: “I’ve heard that circles crop
Are appearing all over the shop
In Switzerland where
Hoaxers best have a care,
For there’s been an appeal by a cop”.

Leigh Goessl (66)

Said a lady named Leigh: “I can’t say
I’m enamoured of alcohol spray,
Getting drunk is no fun,
But it’s much better done
In the good old, traditional way.

Leigh Goessl (67)

Said a lady named Leigh: “Watch for scams
Aimed at both Monsieurs and Madames,
And couples as well,
It’s not easy to tell
The real Craigslist listings from the shams”.

Leigh Goessl (68)

Said Leigh: “Gambling can be compulsive,
But what this bloke did was not impulsive,
Left his babe while he sat
At the tables, no, that
Is in a word, clearly repulsive”.

Leigh Goessl (69)

A lady named Leigh said: “Tax hikes
Have made airline bosses shout ’Yikes!’
I have to admit
That I’m worried a bit,
Guess we’ll soon have to travel by bikes”.

Leigh Goessl (70)

There once was a lady named Leigh
Who said of the famed BBC:
“It’s downsizing for
Call Me Dave’s cuts galore,
But is it reducing its fee?”

Leigh Goessl (71)

Said a lady named Leigh: “New York Mayor
Giulini is taking a dare
Backing nuclear power,
His payment per hour
Will be made in rupees, I swear”.

Leigh Goessl (72)

A lady named Leigh said: “Gap Inc
Is teetering right on the brink,
And is closing its stores
To move to foreign shores;
This is part of a trend, don’t you think?”

Leigh Goessl (73)

Said a lady named Leigh: “Gangs of girls
Are behaving like wastrels and churls,
Mugging kids in the park,
Under cover of dark -
Don’t be fooled by their good looks and curls.”

Leigh Goessl (74)

There was a young lady named Leigh,
Who said: “Mashed potatoes, I see,
Are now served as a drink,
But somehow I think
I’ll stick with plain coffee and tea”.

Leigh Goessl (75)

There was a young lady named Leigh who said: “There
Is all type of weird food on sale at the fair,
But I’m not into
Melon pies and cheese stew,
And I don’t care if you good folk think I’m square.”

Leigh Goessl (76)

Said a lady named Leigh: “There is spam
All over the web, and I am,
Told that Facebook is flooded
With stuff that red-blooded
Young males upload with a webcam”.

Leigh Goessl (77)

Said a lady named Leigh: “I heard Cher
Was reported on Twitter, I swear
To have died, but this rumour
Was simply sick humour,
For later I saw her on there”.

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