Hard Bargain Quickie

 

Scene: A room. It is brightly lit and bare. No details can be seen. Sitting hunched over a table is a police sergeant; on the other side sits a shifty-looking, unshaven character wearing a striped jersey.

Man: OW MUCH, COPPER?

Sergeant: SIX HUNDRED.

Man: WHAT? THAT’S A BIT STIFF.

Sergeant: THAT’S HOW MUCH IT’LL COST YER.

Man: WHAT’S THE DEAL?

Sergeant: CASH UP FRONT. A STRAIGHT SWAP.

Man: THAT’S TOO MUCH: THREE HUNDRED.

Sergeant: (Shaking his head) THREE? NAH, THERE’S TOO MUCH AT STAKE.

Man: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THERE’S NO ONE ELSE INVOLVED.

Sergeant: THINK OF WHAT YOU’LL BE GETTING. TOTAL CONTROL. CARTE BLANCHE. YOU’LL HAVE FOUR OF THEM.

Man: YEAH, BUT SIX HUNDRED IS TOO MUCH. FOUR.

Sergeant: (Shaking his head) TSK, TSK, TSK. YOU CAN’T WANT IT THAT BADLY.

Man: ALL RIGHT, FOUR FIFTY, BUT I CAN’T GO ANY HIGHER.

Sergeant: (Thinking) TELL YOU WHAT: FOUR SEVEN FIVE AND I’LL THROW IN THIS AS WELL. (He holds up something. The camera doesn’t show what).

Man: HMMM.

Sergeant: YOU’RE GONNA NEED ONE OF THESE WHERE YOU’RE GOING.

Man: (Sighs) YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN, COPPER. ALL RIGHT, IT’S A DEAL.

(The camera draws back to show they are sitting in a police cell playing Monopoly).

Sergent: RIGHT, LIVERPOOL STREET STATION AND ONE SEVENTY-FIVE QUID IN CASH.

(The man pays the officer in Monopoly money, and the get-out-of-jail free card the policeman is holding is clearly visible).

Fade.

Back To Comedy Sketches Index