THE OFFICIAL HOME OF ICE
Machine-Readable Identity Card Questionnaire

Compiled by Jack Staw

Note: This questionnaire is not compulsory, but if you do not answer all sections completely, truthfully and satisfactorily you may be designated politically undesirable, (see footnote to section 9 below). When you have completed it please forward it to the Right Honourable Jack Straw c/o House of Commons, Westminster, London SW1.

 

1) Are you in favour of compulsory machine-readable identity cards?

[Tick as appropriate]

[Yes] [No]

If no, tough shit, we’re introducing them anyway as soon as there’s another bomb outrage by a lone right wing fanatic, the IRA or some group of Middle East crazies, and if they don’t oblige us, we’ll plant the fucking bombs ourselves.

 

2) Would you like your compulsory machine-readable identity card to contain information relating to your ethnic group?

[Yes] [No]

If no, tough shit.

If yes, please state your ethnic group and religious affiliation. Please tick one box:

WASP [ ]

White but not WASP [ ]

African [ ]

Afro-Caribbean [ ]

Asian [ ]

Jewish [ ]

Chinese [ ]

Oriental but not Chinese [ ]

Inuit [ ]

Aboriginal [ ]

Other [ ]

 

3) If Jewish, please designate your preferred method of execution:

gas chamber [ ]

lethal injection [ ]

firing squad [ ]

other [ ]

If black, please designate your preferred method of execution:

lynching [ ]

street knifing [ ]

nail bomb [ ]

other [ ]

If Hutu or Tutsi, please designate your preferred method of execution:

hacked to death by knife [ ]

hacked to death by machete [ ]

battered to death [ ]

other [ ]

If Kurdish, please designate your preferred method of execution:

poison gas attack [ ]

shooting [ ]

other [ ]

If Irish, please designate your preferred method of execution:

bombed to death [ ]

shot [ ]

beaten to death by paramilitaries [ ]

other [ ]

 

4) Would you like your compulsory machine-readable identity card to contain all or any of the following information which would be available to arbitrary scrutiny by faceless, unaccountable bureaucrats?

date of birth [Yes] [No]

school history [Yes] [No]

academic performance [Yes] [No]

sexual orientation [Yes] [No]

complete medical history including any treatment for psychological/psychiatric disorders, abortions/miscarriages in women and impotence in men [Yes] [No]

If you answered no to any of the above, tough shit.

 

5) Would you like your compulsory machine-readable identity card to contain all or any of the following information which would be available to arbitrary scrutiny by faceless, unaccountable bureaucrats?

your complete financial history including bankruptcies and County Court judgments, bank/building society account details, gold certificates, and all other savings and property you own

company directorships

disciplinary action by employers

criminal record

your library records

the records of any other public or private organisation to which you belong or have belonged at any time in the past?

[Yes] [No]

If no, tough shit, we have most of this information already and it’s all going onto our central database whether you like it or not.

 

6) Would you like any of the following agencies to be able to withdraw money directly from your bank/building society accounts without your prior consent or knowledge: TV licensing authority, Inland Revenue, Customs & Excise, magistrates courts, local authority?

[Yes] [No]

If no, tough shit.

 

7) Would you like your compulsory machine-readable identity card to be used to service all your personal needs including food (subject to government approval) when we abolish cash?

[Yes] [No]

If no, tough shit, cash is going to be phased out whether you like it or not and in the new dystopia no one will be able to make any purchase without every transaction being subjected to government scrutiny and approval.

 

8) In the event of your being convicted of, charged with, accused of, or suspected of, dealing in drugs, any financial irregularity, travelling on the railway without a valid ticket, using racist, sexist, homophobic, disabilitiest language (in public or in private), dropping litter or any lesser criminal offence, would you like the police to be able to freeze/confiscate your bank accounts/sequester your assets without a court order or warrant by accessing your card from a central government database?

[Yes] [No]

If no, tough shit, we’ve already turned Britain into a police state by giving the police the right to burgle premises on their own authority in order to plant intrusive surveillance equipment, another ten years and they’ll be able to do anything we want, so fuck you, arsehole.

 

9) Would you like your compulsory machine-readable identity card to contain your DNA profile so that faceless, unaccountable bureaucrats can

a) determine your fitness to father/bear children and how many?

b) determine if you should be sterilised/interned indefinitely without trial and without right of appeal under Home Office special powers to control imbeciles and political undesirables * (such as racists, sexists, anti-Semites, homophobes, and anarchists).

[Yes] [No]

* A political undesirable is defined as anyone who makes a false/malicious complaint against a police officer, government official or any civil servant, anyone convicted of any criminal offence in the past thirty years (including parking violations), anyone who is long term unemployed, anyone who opposes Britain’s entry into Europe, anyone suffering from any mental impairment - including neurosis, clinical depression or paranoia (a belief in flying saucers, the Loch Ness monster or government conspiracies), or any person who is deemed at any time by the Secretary of State for the Home to be politically undesirable.

 

10) When the technology becomes available - sometime in the next five years - would you be in favour of your compulsory machine-readable identity card being implanted

a) in your hand? [ ]

b) in the back of your neck? [ ]

c) in your skull? [ ]

Note: if you do not tick one box you may be designated politically undesirable.

 

11) When the technology become available, would you like your implanted machine-readable identity card to monitor your speech?

[Yes] [No]

Warning: if you answer no you may be designated paranoid and therefore politically undesirable. After all, only those who have something to hide (criminals) would oppose such a reasonable request.

 

Postscript: please answer the following by ticking one box

How do you think the government is doing in the following areas:

the arts

excellent [ ] very good [ ] moderate [ ] could do better [ ]

employment policy

excellent [ ] very good [ ] moderate [ ] could do better [ ]

healthcare

excellent [ ] very good [ ] moderate [ ] could do better [ ]

housing

excellent [ ] very good [ ] moderate [ ] could do better [ ]

law & order

excellent [ ] very good [ ] moderate [ ] could do better [ ]

social services

excellent [ ] very good [ ] moderate [ ] could do better [ ]

transport policy

excellent [ ] very good [ ] moderate [ ] could do better [ ]

 

Note: if you reply could do better to more than one of the above categories you could be designated politically undesirable.

Published in the public interest by InƒoText Manuscripts, c/o 93c Venner Road, Sydenham, London SE26 5HU.

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