Illegal Alien Quickie

 

Scene: An Indian restaurant. Soft lighting, sitar music is playing in the background. There are several couples dining. A waiter is standing in the gangway. Suddenly, the door bursts open, and several uniformed policemen enter. A plain clothes officer comes to the fore. He is wearing a raincoat.

CID Man: ALL RIGHT, PLEASE REMAIN SEATED EVERYBODY.

(A murmur goes round the restaurant).

Waiter: (Alarmed - he walks up to the officer) PLEASE, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

CID Man: ARE YOU MR SINGH?

Waiter: NO SIR.

CID Man: THEN FETCH HIM, PLEASE. (He gestures to two policemen who move back. The waiter, in a panic, tries to reassure the diners then disappears into the kitchen).

Waiter: PLEASE EVERYBODY, ENJOY YOUR MEALS; THIS IS A BIG MISTAKE, A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

(Two of the uniformed officers enter the kitchen hard on the heels of the waiter. Shortly, the waiter re-emerges with the manager).

Manager: (To CID Man) WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

CID Man: YOU ARE MR CHANDRA SINGH?

Man: YES, AND I OWN THIS RESTAURANT.

CID Man: I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE YOU ARE HARBOURING AN ILLEGAL ALIEN ON THESE PREMISES.

Mr Singh: (Shocked) NO!

CID Man: (Taking a piece of paper from his pocket) THIS IS A HOME OFFICE WARRANT; WE ARE GOING TO SEARCH THESE PREMISES.

Mr Singh: (Panicking) NO, NO ILLEGAL ALIENS HERE!

Voice: (From the kitchen) SIR! WE’VE FOUND HIM, SIR.

(The two policemen come out dragging a protesting alien betweeen them. He is a Martian: green face, antennnae, bald head and metallic suit/uniform. He has three long fingers on each hand and is speaking in a pipey voice, very fast and unintelligibly).

CID Man: GOT YOU, CLAVIUS! RIGHT, YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM US, MR SINGH. AND YOU ARE BEING DEPORTED (to Martian).

(The two policemen drag the alien towards the door and the police leave the restaurant. The diners look surprised, the staff look embarrassed).

(Fade).

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