LIMERICKS
BY MARK TAHA

 

Albert Squares

AIDS, junkies, depression, and benders
The Beeb in this programme does send us;
Iíve heard a vague rumour
That thereís Cockney humour,
So why is it not in EastEnders?

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]


Aunts

The aunts of Sunita are two,
And lifeís biggest nightmares, thatís true,
These folk of Cor-rie
Are straight out, you see
Of Wodehouse, PG-double U!


Ben Mitchell

Thereís a right little bastard called Ben,
Heís proved that again and again,
Eíen by standards of Square,
Heís just too much to bear;
He should join his old man in the pen!


Bills

They come in and also they rise,
In front of my widening eyes,
Gas Ďlecií and fares,
They makes me despairs,
And those who allow it, despise.


Bin Laden

The worldís worst terrorist dead,
The SEALs got him through the head,
Who cares for the circsí?
Legal-list-ic jerks -
Whinge a-bout something else instead!



Bleediní Obvious

The Government say you eat lease,
If you donít want to stay obese,
Have we really got
To pay out a lot
For obvious comments like these?


Britain

Far more coloureds here, thatís for sure,
We succumb to PC allure,
And whatís the result?
Píraps too late to halt -
Our landís not our land anymure!


Capello

Thereís a manager name of Capello
Just gave up his job, did the fellow,
I know he was very
Loy-al to John Terry,
And no one can say he is yellow.


Coronation Street

Who kiled Frank, exactly whoíd dare?
Thereís several a motive do share:
Sally, Carla, Michelle,
They might all ring the bell
But with what he was like, who would care?


David Haye

Thereís a heavyweight fighter named Haye,
A boxer whoís not had his day,
Fight a Klitschko brother,
Which one or the other
Would he hold the title then - eh?


Derek

Thereís a total scum-bag name of Del,
An evil bas-tard, we can tell;
No surprise that Iíve seen
He gets on with Janine:
They de-serve each other - oh well!


Dickens

The problem with Dickens today:
They canít understand what he say,
Heís heavy to read,
And the kids donít pay heed,
They prefer to on-station play.


Flashman

I miss him and all the twelve books,
Wish there were more for me to looks,
The stories were great,
That GMF, mate,
The first one got me by the hooks.


Footballer Fined

A fifteen grand fine, is he bitter?
Even worse than his missing a sitter.
What was his crime? Well, all
Detached from football
A ho-mo-phobic comment on Twitter!


Free Advice To Rioters

If you really must be a crook
For Godís sake donít too be a schnook,
If you should take this route
And grab you some loot,
Donít pose with your haul on Facebook!


Gang War

Thereís gangstas in London - disgrace,
Seven out of ten - one colour face,
Most of victims, that too,
But they say (so itís true)
Itís still nothing to do with race!


George Bush

Does George Bush, succeed, does he fail?
So far thereís not much of a tale,
I hope either way
That in good health heíll stay -
The alternativeís President Quayle!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]


Graham Taylor

Thereís a football man-a-ger named Taylor
Who should be locked up by a gaoler,
Pulled Lineker off,
The whole nation did scoff,
And re-a-lised he was a failure!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]


Hell Hath No Fury

Her name is Ti-na McIntyre,
Sheís been two-timed, and, breathing fire
At Graeme and Xin,
She will do them both in;
Their fault for inciting her ire!


If Only

Thereís a slapper they call Katie Price,
Donít really care what is her vice,
Medía without her,
This might be a slur,
But it really would be very nice.


Iran

Bomb Iran? Píraps we should take the chance,
But our leaders must be a in trance;
Really should understand,
Plan to attack a land:
You do not let them know in advance!


Joe Frazier

A hero of mine as a kid,
I donít regret - now heís ďdidĒ,
Captained heavyweight ship,
Buttoned Louisville Lip,
And of the contenders, got rid.


John Stape

There is ex-teacher named Stape,
At least he did not commit rape,
Committed manslaughter,
Kidnapped Sallyís daughter,
And now the poor blokeís mindís gone ape.


John Terry

They say that the guyís got some front
To play after saying ďBlack cunt!Ē
Whatís said on the pitch,
Ought to stay there - donít bitch,
Insult him back, you whinging runt!


Library

I borrow fresh books constantly,
Will have soon to cut back, you see,
Want myself to write
Even though, my friend, quite
What they want, my stuff donít seem to be.


Life

At school the kids called me a mong:
The misfit stood out from the throng,
Never got anywhere,
Where it matters, canít bear
To work out just how it went wrong!


Marquess Of Bath

Weíve got a new Marquess of Bath,
The fellowís eccentric by half,
But why should he care?
Heís a mill-i-onaire
And the birds sure donít think that heís daft!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]


More Problems

They push up my utility bill,
And fares they want to increase still,
Things keep getting worse
Theyíve their hands in my purse -
Surprised Iím emotionílly ill?


Mugabe

Heís a butcher, a tyrant and cruel,
Al-so an incompetent fool,
Pro-gressives may complain,
But the facts still remain,
They want-ed black majority rule.


On 9/11

The Twin Towers went - that we saw;
Conspiracy theories galore:
Was it Israel, U-S?
I have to confess,
I do find them rather a bore!


Overseas Aid

Mitchell says: Give fortune away
In aid, and weíll be proud someday.
Donít let our cash roam;
Keep charity home,
And heís a wet creepís what I say!


Page 3

The feminists say of page 3:
An example of mi-sogyny,
Thatís hatred of women,
Iíll tell them it bloominí
Donít have that kind effect on me.


Pan Am

This new show, it looks promis-ing,
I think Iíll keep watching the thing,
Good things I had heard,
And thereís more than one bird,
I donít mean the kind with a wing!


Prisonersí Wives

Thereís a straitlaced young mum known as Harry,
Who with drugs she never would tarry,
Until she tried a spliff
Found what sheíd heard was a myth,
To the Moon a joint her near did carry!


Problem

Can think up some lines in a trice,
But still it is not very nice,
To write down some lines
When your comfort one pines,
And your fingers are all cold as ice.


Stape

Thereís an unlucky psycho called Stape,
The fellow must be going ape,
When heís caught, you see,
What can be his plea?
That ďI canít help kill but by mistape


Stop The World

I just canít stand presure or stress,
And change leaves my head in a mess,
I know that Iím strange
But Iím depressed by change,
Just a stick-in-the-mud, I confess!


Syria

I know itís a revolting war,
Dead coming by the thousand score,
They say: Intervene!
But with de-fence so mean,
We ainít got resources no more.


The Bonk Manager

There was an accountant named Frank
Who, wanting a loan from the bank,
Bonked the managerís wife,
So blacklisted for life
Would have been better off just to wank!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]


The Brighton Comedian

Thereís a printer from Sussex named Tony,
And as Nazis go heís a phoney
He may print their shite
But heíd publish Searchlight
Or a loonyís claim that he was Boney!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]


The Unreal Deal

Thereís a champion name of Evander,
About whom I must say with candour,
He canít stop old men,
If he met Tyson, then
Heíd fall down to his first right-hander!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line - and left Taha with egg on his face!]


The Wedding

A wonderful event, thatís clear,
Two titles for two sisters dear,
The duch-cam-for Kate,
For Pippa they state
Letís make her the Rear of the Year!


Torchwood

Torch Wood, it will be over soon,
Itís dragged on - the end is a boon;
The premise was good,
As the weeks went, it could
Be said to have really gone doon.


Unnerving Irving

A historian name of Dave
About Hitlerís virtues did rave,
Heís convinced people that
Heís a mad Nazi prat
And many want him in the grave!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]


World Cup 1994

The World Cup held in the US
When for soccer, Yanks couldnít care less?
Are they mad - is it me?
Surely all must agree
Will be anything but a success?

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]


Back To Site Index