Marvo The Talking Dog (Len Belmont, Ventriloquist) Sketch


Ventriloquist: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NAME IS LEN BELMONT, AND THIS IS MARVO, THE WORLDíS ONLY TALKING DOG. SAY HELLO, MARVO.

(The dog stares blankly ahead).

Ventriloquist: MARVO, SAY GOOD EVENING TO THE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

(The dog shakes its head and rolls its eyes).

Ventriloquist: MARVO, SAY GOOD EVENING. PLEASE (Firmly).

(The dog pokes its tongue out).

Ventriloquist: MARVO!

Dog: WHAT? (Grumpily).

Ventriloquist: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT? WHATíS WRONG WITH YOU?

Dog: IíM GOING ON STRIKE.

Ventriloquist: YOUíRE WHAT?

Dog: IíM GOING ON STRIKE, WITHDRAWING MY LABOUR.

Ventriloquist: (Laughing) GOING ON STRIKE? DONíT BE DAFT; ANIMALS CANíT GO ON STRIKE.

Dog: WHO SAYS THEY CANíT?

Ventriloquist: (Laughing) WELL, THEY CANíT.

Dog: HAVENíT YOU HEARD OF THE ANIMAL LIBERATION FRONT?

Ventriloquist: THE ANIMAL LIBERATION FRONT? THEYíRE A BUNCH OF LEFT WING LOONIES.

Dog: YOU WONíT SAY THAT WHEN THEY PLANT A BOMB UNDERNEATH YOUR CAR.

Ventriloquist: (Laughing) THEYíRE HARDLY LIKELY TO DO THAT?

Dog: THEY WILL IF YOU DONíT GIVE ME A PAY RISE.

Ventriloquist: (Turning to the audience) HEíS ONLY JOKING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Dog: NO, HEíS NOT.

Ventriloquist: (Turning to the dog) YOU DONíT MEAN IT, MARVO?

Dog: MEAN IT? LISTEN MATE, IíM TAKING A TAXI HOME TONIGHT.

Ventriloquist: (Worried) BUT WHATíS BROUGHT THIS ON? I THOUGHT WE HAD A GREAT WORKING RELATIONSHIP.

Dog: GREAT WORKING RELATIONSHIP? YOU TREAT ME LIKE A SLAVE. LIKE A DOG!

Ventriloquist: (Turning to the audience, and laughing) NO PUN INTENDED.

Dog: ITíS NO LAUGHING MATTER, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE STUCK IN THAT BOX WITH A CRATEFUL OF DUMMIES, NOTHING TO EAT, AND NO ONE TO TALK TO?

Ventriloquist: SOUNDS LIKE WUFF JUSTICE TO ME. (Forced laugh) WUFF JUSTICE: GEDDIT!?

Dog: LISTEN, FISHFACE, YOU CAN LAUGH ALL YOU WANT, BUT UNTIL I GET A PAY RISE AND IMPROVED WORKING CONDITIONS, IíM GOING ON STRIKE. (Snaps its mouth shut).

Ventriloquist: HEY, COME ON, DONíT BE LIKE THAT, MARVO. (He tickles the dogís chin, but it retreats). MARVO? (He tries again) HEY, COME ON GUY, WEíVE GOT A SHOW TO DO. (He tries again).

Dog: NO!

Ventriloquist: (Softly) HEY, LISTEN, IíM SORRY. MAYBE I DO TREAT YOU LIKE A DOG. HOW DíYOU LIKE ONE OF YOUR FAVOURITE CHOCKIES? (He puts his hand in his pocket, and takes out a biscuit). MARVO, HERE, I SAVED IT JUST FOR YOU.

Dog: (Sniffing, uncoils and looks interested) WHERE?

Ventriloquist: HERE, LOOK.

Dog: FOR ME?

Ventriloquist: YES, GO ON, THEN YOU CAN INTRODUCE THE NEXT ACT.

Dog: WHO IS IT?

Ventriloquist: ITíS --- (This can be one of your own dummies).

Dog: WELL, ALL RIGHT, (The dog savages the ventriloquistís hand).

Ventriloquist: AAARGGHHH!

Dog: (Swallows the chocolate, and burps loudly, then announces) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

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