Passenger Quickie (1)

Scene: A railway station. A train pulls out of the station, and a tall, stocky black man walks along the platform. He is the only passenger. He walks through the ticket barrier. The ticket collector is sitting in the box; he holds out his hand.

Collector: TICKET PLEASE.

Man: OH. (He takes a ticket from his pocket, hands it to the collector, and walks out).

Collector: (Examining the ticket) EXCUSE ME. (The man walks on, so he raises his voice) EXCUSE ME!

Man: (Stopping and turning) WHO ME?

Collector: (Getting out of the box and walking towards him). NO, THE QUEEN OF SHEBA (holding up the ticket) THIS IS ONLY VALID AS FAR AS LONDON BRIDGE.

Man: EH?

Collector: YOUíRE IN THE NEXT ZONE; YOUíLL HAVE TO PAY EXCESS.

Man: I CANíT, IíM SKINT.

Collector: THEN YOUíLL HAVE TO GIVE ME YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS. (Taking out his notebook) RIGHT, WHATíS YOUR NAME?

Man: MUGABE.

Collector: (Sarcastically) OH, ROBERT MUGABE, THE AFRICAN POLITICIAN?

Man: (Rudely) NO, DAVID MUGABE, AND IíM NOT A POLITICIAN, IíM A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLER.

Collector: (Sarcastically) REALLY, AND WHAT TEAM DO YOU PLAY FOR: THE ARSENAL?

Man: NO. MANDELLA UNITED. (He draws back his head, and butts the collector in the face).

(Sound effect and fade).

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PASSENGER QUICKIE: a comedy sketch by Alexander Baron

Passenger Quickie (2) - alternative ending

Scene: A railway station. A train pulls out of the station, and a tall, stocky black man walks along the platform. He is the only passenger. He walks through the ticket barrier. The ticket collector is sitting in the box; he holds out his hand.

Collector: TICKET PLEASE.

Man: OH. (He takes a ticket from his pocket, hands it to the collector, and walks out).

Collector: (Examining the ticket) EXCUSE ME. (The man walks on, so he raises his voice) EXCUSE ME!

Man: (Stopping and turning) WHO ME?

Collector: (Getting out of the box and walking towards him). NO, THE QUEEN OF SHEBA (holding up the ticket) THIS IS ONLY VALID AS FAR AS LONDON BRIDGE.

Man: EH?

Collector: YOUíRE IN THE NEXT ZONE; YOUíLL HAVE TO PAY EXCESS.

Man: I CANíT, IíM SKINT.

Collector: THEN YOUíLL HAVE TO GIVE ME YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS. (Taking out his notebook) RIGHT, WHATíS YOUR NAME?

Man: MUGABE.

Collector: (Sarcastically) OH, ROBERT MUGABE, THE AFRICAN POLITICIAN?

Man: NO, JOHN MUGABE THE BOXER. (He draws back his fist and hits the collector a mighty whack in his face).

(Sound effect and fade).

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