Vegetable Garden Quickie

Scene: A vegetable garden. A man wearing wellington boots and gardening clothes is standing holding a giant carrot. A man wearing a suit and holding a microphone is interviewing him. The interviewer has a standard English accent; the gardener, a thick West Country accent.

Interviewer: WELL GILES, THAT’S YOUR CHAMPION CARROT, NOW LET’S HAVE A LOOK AT SOME OF YOUR ONIONS.

Gardener: RIGHTO. (He bends down and picks up two onions the size of footballs and, beaming, shows them to the camera). THESE ARE MY PRIZE ONIONS; THEY WEIGHS ABOUT FIFTEEN POUNDS EACH.

Interviewer: THEY ARE BIG ONES, AREN’T THEY?

Gardener: IF YOU THINK THESE ARE BIG, YOU SHOULD SEE MY COMPETITION MARROW.

Interviewer: (Smiling) WELL, I THINK WE CAN HAVE A LOOK AT THAT NOW. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHOW US?

Gardener: WILL DO, IF YOU’LL JUST FOLLOW ME. (He leads the interviewer round the back of a small garden shed and proudly points to a marrow standing almost upright. It is very thick and nearly five feet tall).

Interviewer: (Gasping) WELL, THAT REALLY IS A BIG ONE, GILES.

Gardener: (Beaming) YUP! I ’AD THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS ’ERE YESTERDAY. THEY SAID IT’S THE BIGGEST ONE EVER RECORDED; BROKEN THE RECORD BY A FULL THIRTY POUNDS.

Interviewer: THAT REALLY IS REMARKABLE. NOW GILES (drawing closer), TELL US A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF.

Gardener: WELL, I BEEN GROWIN’ VEGETABLES FOR NIGH ON THIRTY YEARS NOW.

Interviewer: BUT NOT IN THIS AREA; I GATHER YOU’RE FROM THE WEST COUNTRY ORIGINALLY.

Gardener: O AYE. WE ONLY MOVE UP ’ERE FOUR YEARS AGO. DIDN’T USED TO GROW ’EM ’ALF AS BIG AS THIS IN DEVON.

Interviewer: AND TO WHAT TO DO YOU ATTRIBUTE YOUR NEWFOUND SUCCESS? IS IT SOME SECRET FORMULA YOU’VE DEVELOPED? (Laughing).

Gardener: NO, I THINK IT’S THE WATER MYSELF; PROBABLY SOMETHIN’ T’ DO WITH ALL THIS FLUORIDE THEY PUTS IN IT NOWADAYS.

Interviewer: WHAT KIND OF FERTLISER DO YOU USE?

Gardener: JUST THE ORDINARY BRAND NAMES, AN’ A BIT O’ MANURE. AN’ I USE A BIT O’ THAT FINE TOPSOIL FROM THE DUMP BY THE POWER STATION.

Interviewer: WELL GILES, IT’S BEEN FASCINATING TALKING TO YOU, AND SEEING YOUR GIANT VEGETABLES. (Turning to the camera) THIS IS MARK SMART FOR THE SIX O’CLOCK NEWS, SELLAFIELD.

(Fade).

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