Scene: A bus stop. A shifty looking man of about fifty is waiting for a bus. He is unshaven and clearly disreputable. A police constable walks up to him.
PC: EXCUSE ME SIR, BUT DON’T I RECOGNISE YOU FROM SOMEWHERE?
Man: (Turning) YEAH, PROBABLY FROM A WANTED POSTER, OFFICER.
PC: (Interested) REALLY SIR?
Man: YEAH, FINGERS MALONE, THE WORLD’S GREATEST PICKPOCKET, THAT’S ME, BUT I’M GOING STRAIGHT NOW, I’VE GOT A JOB AND EVERYTHING.
PC: OH YES, I REMEMBER READING SOMETHING IN THE POLICE GAZETTE LAST MONTH ABOUT YOU GETTING OUT. WERE YOU REALLY AS GOOD AS THEY SAY?
Man: THE BEST, GUV, THE BEST, THERE WASN’T A COPPER IN THE COUNTRY COULD TOUCH ME.
PC: THAT’S WHY YOU GOT CAUGHT WAS IT? (Smiling).
Man: NA GUV, I GOT GRASSED UP, DIDN’T I? THEY’D NEVER HAVE CAUGHT ME OTHERWISE, NEVER. IT’S A MUG’S GAME THOUGH, CRIME; YOU’RE BETTER OFF WORKING FOR A LIVING.
PC: YOU ARE TODAY. (Smugly) YOU SEE, THERE’S A NEW BREED OF POLICEMAN AROUND TODAY. A LOT OF US HAVE BEEN TO UNIVERSITY, AND WE’RE MUCH BETTER TRAINED TO CATCH CRIMINALS IN THE ACT. YOU HAVEN’T GOT MUCH OF A CHANCE PICKING POCKETS NOWADAYS. IT’S A GOOD THING YOU HAVE RETIRED, OR I’D HAVE HAD YOU IN A SECOND. I’VE BEEN ON A SPECIAL COURSE AT HENDON.
Man: I KNOW, GUV, I CAN TELL JUST LOOKIN’ AT YER. (A bus pulls up). WELL, SEE YER, GUV.
PC: GOOD LUCK, KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN, BUT IF YOU DO DECIDE TO GO BACK TO CRIME, STAY OFF MY PATCH. I’VE GOT YOUR CARD MARKED. (He taps his nose warningly).
Man: I WILL GUV. TA, TA. (He climbs aboard the bus, the bell rings, and it drives off).
PC: (To himself very smugly). YES, DON’T COME BACK TO MY PATCH, MR MALONE, BECAUSE I’M A MITE TOO SHARP FOR YOU.
(The camera draws back, and the policeman walks off minus his trousers).
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