The moron with the massive stack wins yet again


There are only two kinds of people who should play poker: morons who are born lucky, and the mugs who are prepared to donate their money to them. Guess which category I fall into?


November 10, 2013: I raise, the moron re-raises, I go all-in, and the 4-1 underdog wins the pot.


If you’ve been playing the game half as long as I have, you’ll have seen some bizarre things, but none quite so bizarre as what happened to me three times in two days this week.

There are some types of poker in which the maxim “any two cards” is not valid, including 5 card stud and razz. Pot limit razz is my favourite game because it is the one at which I excel. Unfortunately, my favourite tournament, the 21.40 €5.00 + €.50 limited rebuy on Ladbrokes, is no more, but the relaunched Full Tilt has been putting on some cheap tournaments of late, including a $2.00 + 20c razz and a 5 card stud tourney for the same buy-in. Both are fixed limit, but I thought I’d give them a spin.

Like razz, there is a large element of skill in 5 card stud; the thing you have to remember about the latter is that drawing is not a good idea. If you’ve seen the film The Cincinnati Kid, remember it’s only fiction. Okay, that game was pot limit, but nobody plays like that in real life. Or do they?

This week at the limit game on Full Tilt I have twice had players draw against me and make straights, both times a gutshot late in the tournament, if you can imagine that. The razz tourney was even worse; with 9 players left and only 7 places paid, I am looking to cash when I am dealt a 7 high hand. The guy in front of me raises, I call, and so does Mr Massive Stack, with a jack. Seriously. I catch good, the moron catches a 10, and the raiser catches bad. I bet, the moron calls, and the raiser folds, so now we are heads up. I make my 7 high and bet out. Would you believe the moron sucks out on me, and I am dumped out in 9th place?

You can’t beat the moron, ever. Don’t try. Whatever game you’re playing, whatever stakes, tournament or cash, whatever hand you’re dealt, he will break your bankroll and your heart. It doesn’t matter what he calls with, raises with, draws to, you can’t win, so don’t try.

The good news is that after this I went straight to the cash tables – Omaha hi-lo – got lucky, and finished $1.78 ahead on the session. And I did cash in the Ladbrokes Bronze Freeroll earlier. And I did take some money off Full Tilt in the small hours, but with those tiny caveats, it was another bad day on the tables.

[The above article was first published as a blog on May 16, 2013 without an original screengrab; I have added one here.]

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