The Yeti Hunter

I come here every two years, usually about the first week in February.
Itís not like Loch Ness, thereís no season as such, but I like to wait until
after the January sales when I can usually pick up a couple of fur coats
cheap, and a camera or two.
On average I get through three or four cameras a year;
UFO season is the worst time for cameras; itís no fun either, stumbling
about on the Wiltshire hills at 2am in the dark,
I broke my ankle doing that once;
And it gets very cold up there at times.
Of course, itís nowhere near as cold there as it is here, nor is the air so thin,
but the cold bites more in England, you know what I mean.

I always enjoy these hunts though; Iíve only ever broken one camera
in nine expeditions, and although Iíve never actually met our furry friend face to face,
I have found his spoor, and Iím fairly certain, heard his cry.
Itís a sort of owwwwhhhhh...really weird and haunting like.

You look skeptical, my young friend,
You wouldnít be if youíd been with me in the States in í76 when we were
trying to catch his cousin.
One of our native helpers spotted a Bigfoot, or rather it spotted him
out in the woods and chased him a good half mile back to camp;
He was scared stiff, poor little blighter.
No, we didnít get it on film, unfortunately, it all happened in too much of a rush,
not to mention a bit of a panic.
No, I didnít actually see it myself, but at least three reliable witnesses did.
Yes, of course I believed them.

Do I believe in this fellow?
Well, to be quite honest, as an individual I believe in him almost 100%,
but as a scientist I still have reservations, not strong ones, but
reservations all the same, doubts.
I mean, there is quite a lot of evidence all told,
In fact, if one includes reliable eyewitness accounts,
the evidence is literally overwhelming,
But until we actually catch one and put it in a cage for the whole world
to see, science, the public, and indeed, even true believers like myself
will remain unsatisfied and unconvinced.
Even .01% doubt is too much doubt.
And itís uncomfortable always having that little niggling feeling that you just might be wrong.
Thatís far, far worse than being laughed at by men of science and
a myriad of other skeptics, doubting Thomases and just plain piss-takers in general.

How long will I keep coming here?
Thatís easy, until we catch one and take it back to London in a cage.
Well, I guess Iíll just keep coming, so too will Stephenson, Elliot,
and most of the others, I expect.
You see, weíre in a most enviable position really, in spite of what I said about doubts,
Because even if we never succeed in proving
Our chimera actually exists, is corporeal, there will always be some doubt
that it may exist, because no one can ever prove the opposite.
Thatís a very nice feeling to have, my young friend.
It always gives you a psychological advantage over your critics
because, in effect, theyíre on a hiding to nothing;
They are always aware that they can be made fools of at any minute, but
that however strong their arguments, however overwhelming may be their
evidence, logic or common sense; even if they can prove chicanery
on the part of one or two misguided enthusiasts, while you may at any time be vindicated,
They never can, entirely.
I suppose thatís one of the small, but very satisfying rewards of being
forever portrayed as the nutty professor, odd-ball or bearded weirdie.

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THE YETI HUNTER: a poem by Alexander Baron

The Yeti Hunter

I come here every two years, usually about the first week in February.
Itís not like Loch Ness, thereís no season as such, but I like to wait until
after the January sales when I can usually pick up a couple of fur coats
cheap, and a camera or two.
On average I get through three or four cameras a year;
UFO season is the worst time for cameras; itís no fun either, stumbling
about on the Wiltshire hills at 2am in the dark,
I broke my ankle doing that once;
And it gets very cold up there at times.
Of course, itís nowhere near as cold there as it is here, nor is the air so thin,
but the cold bites more in England, you know what I mean.

I always enjoy these hunts though; Iíve only ever broken one camera
in nine expeditions, and although Iíve never actually met our furry friend face to face,
I have found his spoor, and Iím fairly certain, heard his cry.
Itís a sort of owwwwhhhhh...really weird and haunting like.

You look skeptical, my young friend,
You wouldnít be if youíd been with me in the States in í76 when we were
trying to catch his cousin.
One of our native helpers spotted a Bigfoot, or rather it spotted him
out in the woods and chased him a good half mile back to camp;
He was scared stiff, poor little blighter.
No, we didnít get it on film, unfortunately, it all happened in too much of a rush,
not to mention a bit of a panic.
No, I didnít actually see it myself, but at least three reliable witnesses did.
Yes, of course I believed them.

Do I believe in this fellow?
Well, to be quite honest, as an individual I believe in him almost 100%,
but as a scientist I still have reservations, not strong ones, but
reservations all the same, doubts.
I mean, there is quite a lot of evidence all told,
In fact, if one includes reliable eyewitness accounts,
the evidence is literally overwhelming,
But until we actually catch one and put it in a cage for the whole world
to see, science, the public, and indeed, even true believers like myself
will remain unsatisfied and unconvinced.
Even .01% doubt is too much doubt.
And itís uncomfortable always having that little niggling feeling that you just might be wrong.
Thatís far, far worse than being laughed at by men of science and
a myriad of other skeptics, doubting Thomases and just plain piss-takers in general.

How long will I keep coming here?
Thatís easy, until we catch one and take it back to London in a cage.
Well, I guess Iíll just keep coming, so too will Stephenson, Elliot,
and most of the others, I expect.
You see, weíre in a most enviable position really, in spite of what I said about doubts,
Because even if we never succeed in proving
Our chimera actually exists, is corporeal, there will always be some doubt
that it may exist, because no one can ever prove the opposite.
Thatís a very nice feeling to have, my young friend.
It always gives you a psychological advantage over your critics
because, in effect, theyíre on a hiding to nothing;
They are always aware that they can be made fools of at any minute, but
that however strong their arguments, however overwhelming may be their
evidence, logic or common sense; even if they can prove chicanery
on the part of one or two misguided enthusiasts, while you may at any time be vindicated,
They never can, entirely.
I suppose thatís one of the small, but very satisfying rewards of being
forever portrayed as the nutty professor, odd-ball or bearded weirdie.

Back To Poetry Index