There was a young man of Newhaven
For a change ate a dinner of raven,
But the bird had just fed
On a plant grown in lead,
Now the fellow’s condition is graven.
There was a young fellow of Southend-On-Sea.
Actually, there were four of them; they were called Eddie & The Hot Rods.
A ghoul from Newcastle-on-Tyne
Found it thrilling, orgasmic, divine,
To strangle young babies,
To stew them in gravies,
And pickle their offals in brine.
There was a man of John O’Groats
Who bombarded his girl with fur coats,
But she said to him: “Och!
I’ll not yield t’yer, Jock
Till we’re married, then you’ll get your oats.”
There was a young farmer of Wales,
(The lowest per-vert in the vales),
Whose habits with sheep
Made all decent men weep,
The obscene things he did in the dales!
There was a young cop from Belfast
Who was gunned down by the IRA.
So what’s new?
An IRA man from Belfast
Used to murder police for a laugh,
But when his girl said: “Mo,
Let us two try some ‘O’”
He just stood there and stared quite aghast.
A sexual pervert from Eire
Said: “There’s only one thing I think fairer
Than sniffing the drawers
Of a couple of whores,
And that’s licking the arse of the wearer”.
There was a young lady of Sark
Who was dreadful’ afraid of the dark,
Which was extremely unfortunate, because the island has no street lights.
There was a young man of Andorra
Who met a young harlot called Nora,
She took his French Francs,
But delivered no wanks,
And left him both wiser and poorer.
A woman who went to a dance
While on holiday somewhere in France
Is the mother of quads,
Four fatherless sods,
Cos she didn’t just go to a dance,
But to bed with a Frenchie,
Who said to her: “Wenchie,
You’ve had a dance, now take a chance.”
An accountant who lived in París,
Was told by the doc: “You’ve got three
More years left of life,
For there’s no way the knife
Can dispose of your cancer, you see.”
So the man cooked the books
Of his firm, Thomas Cooks,
And went on a million Franc spree.
There was a young nun from Berlin
Who thought sex was a cardinal sin,
Till a randy young rector
Said: “It won’t affect yer,
You won’t go to Hell,
Cos I don’t kiss and tell.”
So she bowed to the clergyman’s whim,
And wound up getting married to him.
A young Swiss ran away from the army,
Not because he was frightened they’d harm ’e,
But because he preferred
The Swiss Navy, I’ve heard:
No wonder they said he was barmy.
There once was a randy young Swiss,
Had it off with an innocent miss,
When the girl got preg-nant
She said: “But I can’t
Be, because all we did was French kiss.”
There was a young man of Lis-bon
Thought the Sun from his back passage shone,
When he looked in the mirror
He felt his heart quiver,
For he sure was one very vain don.
There was a fat lady from Spain
Whose dieting caused her much pain,
For she grew wafer thin
Like a needle or pin,
Then fell through the grid of a drain,
And never was heard of again.
And that was the end of the Lady from Spain!
There was a man of Barcelona
Who married a woman called Mona,
On their honeymoon night
The man’s hair turned white,
And he said: “I think Mona’s a Jonah!”
There was an old man of Madrid
Had it off with a gonorrhous yid,
Poor Raymond Manuel
Suffered torment and hell
When an ulcer appeared on his lid.
An Italian best man, Henri Petti,
Was sent out for a box of confetti,
It appears that poor Hank
Was as thick as a plank,
For the bride and groom drowned in spaghetti!
An apprentice vampire from Milan
Was once told by Count Drac’: “You look wan,
So when pussy you eat,
Make damn sure she’s in heat,
You must drink all the blood that you can!”
There was a young man of Warsaw
Was so foolish he married a whore,
On the night of their wedding
She said: “If you’re bedding
Me, that’ll be ten zlotys more!”
A Czech with the surname of Gargue,
(Who I think was a native of Prague),
Caught a boat to go shopping,
In Holland, and hopping
Off, now runs a shop in the Hague.
A young Russian named Bela La Clava,
Holidayed out in Spain, Costa Brava,
But while there he defected:
His mind was affected,
(At least, that was the story in Pravda).
In Scotland, we find the o-sprey,
A fish-eating creature of prey,
But if we don’t take care
Of this eagle so rare,
The poor blighter will whither away.
Help save the osprey:
Send a donation to the World Wildlife Fund.
There was a young girl of Timbucktu,
Who was eagerly waiting for a bus,
When a man with a gun
Stepped out of the bush
And said: “Hello, I’m Stanley. Have you seen Dr Livingstone?”
There was a young girl of Nigeria
Went to bed with two French Legion-eria,
She said: “You’ve got the pox
On the ends of your cocks.”
They said: “Yes, we caught that in Algeria.”
A honky who lived out in Niger
Got beat up by a thug called the Tiger,
From their National Front,
For he told the poor cunt
That: “We don’t like you white bastards either!”
A teenager of Abyssinia
Told his bird: “When I’m sticking it in yer,
If I use the wrong place
Don’t go slapping my face,
For, you see, I am just a beginyer.”
There was a young man from the Congo
Name of Christopher, Anthony Pongo,
Whose favourite pastime
Was to tap out a line
Of Morse code with his tool on a bongo.
There was a young man of Zaire
Who buggered a little boy’s rear,
Said his Dad to his face:
“You’ve brought shame on our race,
Cos it’s only whites meant to be queer.”
There was a white Rhodesian woman
Who entered a beauty contest,
When the judge said: “I choose
Second, third, de zulus,
But in the first place, de white girl. She’s best.”
Aren’t they always?
There was a South African woman
Who came third in the Miss World Contest.
She was white, of course.
There was a young man of Soweto
Said: “I’m sick of this horrible ghetto,
I would like to go down
Live in sunny Cape Town,
But de racist Pik Botha won’t let-to.”
There’s a Gentile says people annoy ’im,
And that none of us Jews will employ ’im
In his native Israel,
That’s a very sad tale,
But we don’t give a fuck for the goyim.
A dirty old Jew from Israel
Had some habits that made strong men pale,
Like eating meat raw,
Sucking snot through a straw,
And licking the slime off a snail.
There was a young lady of Jaffa
Had it off with the family kaffir,
Then when they’d both stripped,
She had the man whipped
Just to show the black bastard who’s gaffer.
Dirty slag.
A tourist who sailed down the Nile
Said: “Egyptians are sick’ningly vile”,
To his patriot guide,
Who with pharaoh-like pride
Took the man by the throat
And the tail of his coat,
And wearing a dervish-like smile,
Threw his charge in the drink,
Where before he could sink,
He was ate by a vile crocodile.
There was a young man of E-gypt
Who was having it off in a crypt.
You may say: What’s so funny?
The girl was his Mummy!
The dirty sod should be horse-whipped!
There aren’t many elephants left,
In the African wilds, iv’ry theft
Has depleted the numbos
Of our lovely jumbos,
And soon we’ll be tot’lly bereft.
Help save the elephants:
Send a donation to the World Wildlife Fund.
There was a young girl of Havana,
Practiced bondage, her name was Joanna,
And she had lots of fun
With her boyfriend, till one
Night. she choked on his velvet bandana.
There was a young man of Jamaica
Who was offfered a job as a baker,
In England; his wife
Said: “The chance of a life-
Time!” It was for him, he didn’t take ’er.
There once was a team from Brazil,
That got thrashed by England, 5 nil.
I don’t know what they were playing, but it obviously wasn’t soccer.
There was a young fellow of Chile,
Had sex with a lady named Milly,
And then, the queer runt,
After licking her cunt,
Had it off with her fiancé, Billy.
There was a young man from Can-a-da,
Took a holiday out in Grenada,
Where he shafted a whore
Up the arse till she swore
That she’d let ’im no more
Till he paid ’er.
There was a young lady of Winnipeg,
Told her husband: “Oh Bill, don’t do it, I beg,
I can stand being whipped,
Spanked and forcefully stripped,
But please don’t bash my head with your wooden leg.”
There was a young girl of Vancouver,
Who tickled her twat with a hoover,
For she liked a good suck,
“Though it’s nicer to fuck,”
But her husband, it seems, didn’t move ’er.
There was a young man of New York
Whose favourite dinner was pork.
So what?
So what!? He was a fucking rabbi, that’s what!
A young man from New York, McEnroe,
Hit a ball at the umpire, and lo,
The fellow said: “Fault!”
And John McEnroe thought:
“You goddam, useless, motherfuckin’ jerk!”
But he didn’t say anything because he’d promised his Dad he’d be on his best behaviour.
A young widower of Sacramento
Was obsessed with a young Orient-o,
She charmed him,
And smiled him,
Disarmed him,
Beguiled him,
Took all of his money then fucked off back to Taiwan.
There was a young man of Nebraska,
Had it off with a girl from Alaska,
Now he’s doing ten years
All because, it appears,
He did not take the trouble to ask ’er.
There was a young man of Milwaukee
Was known to the townsfolk as Porky.
Because he used to fuck pigs.
An emigré from Argentina
Who worked in Detroit as a cleaner
Thought: How lucky I am,
Until dear Uncle Sam
Sent the lad a Supreme Court subpoena.
(Shouldn’t mess
With the IRS).
There was a young nympho of North Carolina
Was caught by the law having sex with a minor,
But as the youth she
Went with charged her a fee,
The judge in his wisdom thought only to fine ’er.
There was a young rent boy of Maine,
Whose arsehole gave him so much pain,
But serves him right for
It being so sore,
He shouldn’t have flogged it again!
A young whore from the Okefenokee
Picked up an old codger for pokey,
At least, that’s what she thought,
But the old gent did naught
Except dance with her, the ’Okey Cokey.
An uppity nigger named Stan
Was found nailed to a cross in his van,
In the town Little Rock,
But I warned him, old cock,
That he shouldn’t have messed with the Klan.
There was a young lady of Florida Keys
Had sex with a fellow while down on her knees,
She licked and she sucked,
But she never was fucked,
For her partner was fearful she had a disease.
There was an old fellow from Utah,
Sold his neighbour a dodgy computer,
When the cops raided him,
He said: “That scumbag, Jim,
When I see him I’ll flatten his hooter!”
There was a man born in Peru,
Who was known to pen a song or two,
If you’ve got no idea
Who was this closet queer,
He is known as Cole Porter to you.
What, no limerick about Mexico?
’Fraid not ee-o!
In America, lives the Sasquatch,
Who for years they’ve been trying to catch,
Yes, he is corporeal,
So please help preserve his habitat
By making a donation to the World Wildlife Fund.
A young harlot, Monique of Murmansk,
Told three seamen: “You guys must be cranks,
You think I’ll go to bed
For a rouble a head
With you lot? That won’t buy you three kisses.”
A Russian said: “Demo-cra-cy
Can be found all across my coun-try,
We haff one man one vote,
Mr Reagan take note!”
(And the one man who has it is me).
There was a young fellow of China
Had an accent of North Carolina,
When they said to him: “How?”
He replied: “This I vow
Is the truth, I was taught my a mynah!”
There was a young man of Siam,
Actually, there were two of them,
They were called Chang and Eng,
And they were Siamese twins.
There was a young girl of Hong Kong
Went to bed with a fellow called Wong,
They made love all night,
And she thought: Mr Right!
Until came the morning
And while she was yawning,
He lashed her,
And thrashed her,
And bloody well bashed her,
Then strangled her with her sarong;
The poor, little dear,
She was tender, sincere,
But the man she thought Right,
He was no gallant knight,
In fact he was one Mr (W)rong!
A Mongol wrote sketches for fun,
And, being a comical one,
He made up some new jokes
Which appealed to his folks;
He’s now known as Atilla the Pun.
There was a young man of Bombay
Went to bed with a queer Mandalay,
He caught AIDS and Big G,
And it hurt him to pee,
Now he wonders why queers are called gay.
There was a young girl of New Delhi
Who grew ever so fat in the belly,
Though she swore to her Mum:
“I ain’t nothing wrong done;
All my friend ’n me did was watch telly!”
A dirty old man of Calcutta
Used to phone up young ladies and utter
Words obscene and unkind,
Cos he had a sick mind,
And had spent all his life in the gutter.
There was a young man of Tibet,
Who said “We will free our land, yet,
From the Chinese Em-pire,
Who by force did acquire
Us”. I can’t help think he’s talking wet.
On the Indian Isle of Mauritius
Lived a bird called the dodo until
Passing sailors realised: “It’s delicious!”
And soon there were none left to kill.
So please have a care for the birds,
And use cash to back up your good words,
The World Wildlife Fund is their salvation,
So why not send in a donation?
Captain Cook found the land of the digger,
And he said: “This fair isle is far bigger
Than good old Eng-land,
We had best take command,
It’s too precious to leave to the nigger.”
There was a young sailor from Sydney
Went to bed with an albino pygmy,
But his tool was so long,
And his thrust was so strong
That he ruptured the poor pygmy’s kidney.
There was a diabetic Down Under
Who committed a horrible blunder,
For his sugared his chips,
And when they passed his lips,
The poor fellow was really down under.
Six feet down under to be precise.
There was a young man of Ho-bart
Who thought he would bottle a fart,
So he sat on a jar
At the back of the bar,
But the manager saw him,
And so much deplored him,
He shot the poor bloke through the heart.
In New Zealand’s a bird called the kiwi,
And as everyone knows, kelp is seaweed,
The kiwi’s so rare
So please show us you care,
And kelp us to kelp save the kiwi:
Send a donation to the World Wildlife Fund.
There was a young man from Antarctica,
Who said: “There are no girls live around here-a,
So I suppose if I want to turn on I’ll have to fuck a penguin.”
There was a young lad from the South Pole,
Who said: “This place is bad for a boy’s soul,
For it’s not very nice
Seeing nothing but ice,
And being stuck in a cold hell hole.”
There’s no conservation drive here,
For there’s just a few penguins, my dear.
And who gives a fuck about conserving penguins?
You’ve read these and you’re not round the bend?
Congrat-u-a-lations, my friend!
There are seventy-nine,
And most all of them rhyme:
Edward Hughes, eat your heart out.
THE END
Click here for background and explanation.
Back To Poetry Index
To Limerick Page