Ventriloquist: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WELCOME TO THE LEN BELMONT SPOT. THIS IS CEDRIC, MY CAPABLE ASSISTANT.
Boy: OY, OY, NOT SO FAST. I’M THE STAR OF THIS SHOW. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO CEDRIC’S FUN HOUR...
Ventriloquist: (Interrupting) OY, OY, NOW YOU HOLD ON. A) THIS IS THE LEN BELMONT SPOT, AND B) WE’VE ONLY GOT THREE MINUTES.
Boy: (Rolling his eyes) THREE MINUTES?
Ventriloquist: YES.
Boy: THREE POXY MINUTES! ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SECONDS?
Ventriloquist: THAT’S RIGHT.
Boy: THAT’S NO WAY TO TREAT A SUPERSTAR.
Ventriloquist: I KNOW, BUT I’M NOT THE SORT TO COMPLAIN.
Boy: NOT YOU, BALDY, ME.
Ventriloquist: WHO ARE YOU CALLING BALDY? I’M NOT BALD.
Boy: YOU ARE UNDERNEATH THAT TOUPEÉ.
Ventriloquist: (Laughing) TOUPEÉ, WHAT TOUPEÉ?
Boy: THAT TOUPEÉ ON YOUR HEAD (tries to reach up).
Ventriloquist: (Retreating) HEY, DO YOU MIND? THAT’S A TWENTY-FIVE POUND HAIR-DO.
Boy: YES, BUT YOU GOT IT FOR NINE NINETY-NINE IN DEBENHAMS MID-SEASON SALE.
Ventriloquist: I DID NOT!
Boy: YES YOU DID.
Ventriloquist: NO I DID NOT. IT WAS THE HARRODS SALE, IF YOU MUST KNOW.
Boy: (Sarcastic upper class accent) OH, IT WAS HAWWODS, WAS IT?
Ventriloquist: YES. (Hurt). IT WAS, AND ANYWAY, I DON’T CARE IF I’M BALD. BALD MEN ARE SEXIER.
Boy: UNTIL THEY GET TO YOUR AGE.
Ventriloquist: MY AGE? I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’M ONLY THIRTY-FIVE.
Boy: THIRTY-FIVE? (Incredulously) YOU’RE OLDER THAN GARY GLITTER.
Ventriloquist: I AM NOT! I’M THIRTY-FIVE.
Boy: HOW OLD? (Suspiciously).
Ventriloquist: THIRTY-FIVE. WELL, NEAR ENOUGH.
Boy: LISTEN, LAST TIME YOU GOT TOGETHER WITH ONE OF YOUR OLD CRONIES, YOU WERE ARGUING ABOUT THE WAR.
Ventriloquist: WELL, WE WERE BOTH SMALL KIDS THEN.
Boy: YES, BUT WHY WERE YOU ARGUING?
Ventriloquist: WELL...(Trying to thing of something).
Boy: I HEARD HIM SAY IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS A ROUNDHEAD WHILE YOU WERE A CAVALIER.
Ventriloquist: (Laughing) DON’T BE ABSURD.
Boy: AND YOU USED TO WEAR A TOUPEÉ THEN AS WELL.
Ventriloquist: (Angrily) LISTEN, I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR NONSENSE. YOU’RE AS BAD AS THAT DOG OF MINE. WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO BESIDES INSULT ME?
Boy: I CAN SING.
Ventriloquist: AND BESIDES INSULT THE AUDIENCE?
Boy: (Loud) I SING LIKE A LARK.
Ventriloquist: YES, A PIL-LARK.
Boy: I’LL PROVE IT. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SING?
Ventriloquist: I KNOW, LET’S DO A DUET. HOW ABOUT...
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